Free to Love

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“Love liberates. It doesn’t just hold—that’s ego. Love liberates. It doesn’t bind. Love says, ‘I love you. I love you if you’re in China. I love you if you’re across town. I love you if you’re in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my ear. But that’s not possible now, so I love you. Go.” ~  Maya Angelou

I just want to close my eyes and see you … remember you with each fiber of my body, every cell of my skin to be filled with your warmth. It is impossible to forget you, as my body remembers yours all the time: the sweet, calm emotion of your arms embracing me, I can still feel it. It’s been almost a year and more days to pass until we will be together again, yet we’d never felt this close. At the slightest inflection of your voice, my heart starts racing, telling me you’re here and that the empty side of my bed is but an illusion. You can make the time stop: nothing’s changed and everything’s alright at your only reassurance. We do not fear distance, we own it. We let distance pull us together and confess rather raw and unfinished, honest thoughts that make us unbreakable. No judgement finds its place in our life, because we can see ourselves mirrored in each other thus, knowing what to adjust and how to be free to be us even when or not together.

‘What is on your mind?’

The type of question that no longer seems to be needed; because you and me, we both know. It is the look in your eyes, the mere reflection of my own image and tears that gather in the corner of your eyes that speak. Words are redundant when the souls connect; we are so different, yet so inseparably the same. You once said we were twins and perhaps that in an ancient time our souls truly were, and now they had re-found each other. It might be the reason why we know one another inside-out and why we find comfort in simply being in a duet. Not two voices that sound like one, but voices that beautifully harmonize and make the singing birds feel jealousy.

There is no part of my existence that has not been incommensurably touched by you. My coffee? It always reminds me of the early mornings when before leaving for work, I would make two cups of coffee, gently placing one by the night stand next to you, only to find it later in the evening, almost untouched and in the same place. It did not bother me, on the contrary, it was one of the sweetest ways to start the day although you didn’t need to wake up and neither did you really enjoy the bitter-sweet taste of it, you wanted to be part of my morning routine and it never felt more lovely. Or your hugs when waking up beside you, that only made want to abandon all worldliness and just slip back into dreams.

Your arms bear magic, the kind of magic that sweeps all the sorrows and make me believe all is possible.

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Soulmates

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Rarely do we meet people who truly understand the reason behind our actions … even those you ran into a couple of times, seem to read you so much better than the ones that have known for a matter of years.

It’s amazing how reassuring it feels to simply hear a confirmation of what you are doing right now, in this very moment in life, is the right stage for you; then again, why cannot those who claim they know you, offer you the same trust and encouragement?

Are we just prone to judge the people we ‘know’ best? Or are we merely listening with our heads instead of open hearts?

I believe that in a friend’s perspective, it all starts from the premise of how long you’ve know each other as an allowed-judgment-tool that empowers them to question your every move; not that it would be for the wrong intentions, definitely all’s in your best interest. However, too much questioning always makes you wonder and ponder on the perfectly sure about decision: isn’t in fact, but a dream, a house built on sand? They ask safety questions. Nonetheless, if not in appropriate dosage, it can easily break the spirit. A little piece of safety advice from me: don’t let it happen, know when and where to draw the line. If you provide good answers to their questions and yet it’s not enough, then it’s entirely their choice to either be happy for you, support you or to walk away. Good friends will always be there for you, despite of differences of opinions, circumstances … through it all. The ones who hold your hand and walk beside you. The ones who let you be yourself and with whom even words become redundant. The ones you dearly miss when having a coffee and they’re not present. The ones who make you feel like time stands still, every time you meet.

Perhaps that until later in life, one will not realize the impossibility to blindly rely on the carefully well-intended doubts of friends, and that the time will be just right to learn who their soul mates actually are.

Saturday: The back up plan

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This morning, I couldn’t help but wake up late and start my day with an instant satisfaction grin, that basically meant ‘I get to rule the world today’. Well, at least my world. The previous night, all I could do and think of was were I should go and what should I do today. It’s amazing how when we get time on our hands, we suddenly feel overwhelmed by the multitude of choices and end up feeling, well, lost? That is why, my ‘brilliant’ self came up with the idea of making a Saturday Wish List that included loads of fun things to do; somehow, jotting things down has always helped me organize my thoughts.

Saturday late afternoon, I opened my eyes and frantically ran towards the windows to smell the fresh air of freedom – which to my own disappointment, smelled like RAIN?! I could suddenly feel my enthusiasm going down the drain, literally. However, I was definitely not going to spend the day at home, no matter how unexpected the weather change, after all, it was England. It seems that even after five months in Colchester, I couldn’t really come to grip with the weather. I put all my hopes in the fact that despite the rainy day, there would be sunny spells as well.

Now that my seaside dreams had been shattered, all I could think of was shopping, lots and lots of shopping. It turned out not to be such a bad idea, after all. On weekends, the town center’s narrow streets are simply filled with people, the whole age range population on the loose. And to my surprise, I actually did enjoy the rush and the shopping fever everyone seemed to be infected with. The narrow cobble stone streets, the old architecture and the smell of freshly ground coffee around the corner – and I am not talking Starbucks, but some real coffee merchants selling coffee beans out of big, brown bags and preparing on the spot, your favorite mix or whatever you wish to experiment.

One big vanilla cappuccino later, even the weather seemed to brighten up. This only meant one thing, I was ready for my back-up plan, which never failed to cheer me up: extravagant amount of shopping. I guess this is trick can always manage to put a smile on a girl’s face. Because the new shoes, the new matching bag and the quite a few cosmetics definitely made me smile. Ah, t’was one of those perfect moments I wish my sister and my girl friends were there only to encourage me to buy more stuff, by reassuring me how good it looked on me or  how much I really needed those strap sandals for the summer.